So you finally decided to leave, now what? How are you feeling? Is life all sunshine and rainbows? Or are you struggling to get through your days?
Take a minute and read this Blog post I made a year after I left. I wrote it on a whim one night after having a deep conversation with a friend. My emotions were so strong so I had to write about them…
His Narcissistic souls never deserved her.
From the very depths of her soul she could finally feel the emptiness in him. She no longer had to question why things worked out the way they did, for those questions would never be answered. She would never understand him or his choices. She felt an over powering rush of emotions when his name would enter her mind. She hated him and all he had done to her. He had scarred her beautifully shaped heart. Holding in her screams she could feel her heart beating fiercely, her breaths felt heavy in her chest and her blood boiled. With her skin flushed red and her heart breaking. She knows he never deserved her and never would. Her soul was brighter than his. Her heart was too big for his to handle, she now understands this. She always loves without thought and fuels the ones she loves. She walks away when her soul has been emptied by his mangled complicated heart. She knows her worth. She picks herself up, takes a deep breath and faces the world in front of her.
From the first time his eyes met hers the universe knew he didn’t deserve her.
The pain was real and it went deep into my soul. I was ready to turn the page. It wasn’t easy, but I already knew it wasn’t going to be.
I had made a few bad choices while going through all this hurt. I am not proud of them but I understand why they happened. When you are in a dark place you don’t always think so clearly. From the moment I found out my ex had been unfaithful, till about one year after I left him, I was living in a daze. I was merely getting through my days. (I just got off the phone with my good friend Tina. She called to talk about yesterdays Part 1 post. She says she remembers the day I changed, one minute I was the excited happy Kasey planning her wedding and the next I didn’t have the excitement any more. It was just gone. She didn’t know why, since I had kept it a secret from everyone but she just knew that I was different. Hearing her say that brought back those days.”
During that first year after leaving I went back and fourth with uncertainty in the choice I had made to leave. I questioned rather I made the right decision. I even questioned my morals and boundaries. Why would I do that? Because I was hurt and the unknown future worried me. At times I tried to convince myself to maybe let him back in a little to see if he had what it took to change, to win me back. Deep down I already knew he didn’t. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. My heart was damaged and my mind was scrambled. Every time I had a slip up and would let him back in a tiny bit I would know the second I was talking to him that it wasn’t right. My body would push me to get out of the situation. This wasn’t where I was supposed to be. My soul knew that.
I then quickly learned that going out drinking with the girls wasn’t the best idea for me. Alcohol is a depressant and when you are depressed it only makes things worse. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed some glasses of wine. I just couldn’t handle the getting drunk. After drinking too much while I was out “trying to have fun,” I would get sad and end up sending text messages I didn’t want to send and then cry myself to sleep. I eventually blocked him out 100%. Thank goodness for the blocking option on social media sites. It’s a life saver. Those messages only held me back. Those alcohol drinks slowed me down and put me into a deeper hole. So I stuck to a little wine here and there with my best friend, “Mr. Chews.” He is also a life saver.
This went on for about a year. I didn’t date, and I didn’t go out much. Once in awhile I would plan something with some friends, and I always made time for my family. But the majority of my time was spent at home with Chews. It was my safe place. A place where I could just be with myself and give myself time to heal.
After that first year I started becoming more of myself again. I decided to start dating, I went on some trips, had more girls nights. I could finally breath. Life was looking better and Better.
Then the reality of the dating life kicked in..
To be continued…
What challenges did you face after you left?
Or what are some of your fears holding you back from leaving?
I promise you it will be OK. Find your strength, support and take that step. You won’t regret it in the long run. You just have to fight through the challenges.