Warning this is a very long read. But if you have ever been though heartache you will relate to it. There are going to be three parts to this. I will post them each day.
Almost four years ago, the man I had been dating and was engaged to, stopped me in my happy tracks and shredded my heart into a tiny million pieces. He never put those pieces back together. He couldn’t, his narcissistic flaws wouldn’t allow him too. He wasn’t strong enough to face his own truth.
Rewind back to before I found out he had been ripping my heart out slowly without me even knowing it. How scary is that to think about? Before I found out, I thought I was on cloud nine. I was engaged to what I thought was an amazing , fun, sweet, and giving man. I was about to have everything I had always wanted. I was about to start my family with a man I loved. All my dreams were coming true. We had so much fun together. He was all about me, always wanted me around and involved with almost everything he was doing. I had it all…. Boy was I wrong.
This so called man of my dreams had been ripping my heart out slowly since day one. He was just doing it behind mine and our families back. He was even hiding it from himself. He was the man (boy) that everyone loved. He was the fun, caring, and outgoing person. So many people would tell me how lucky I was to have him and at the time I believed that I was truly lucky.
But reality was, he was two different people. When I found out he had been cheating on me throughout our whole relationship, even after proposing to me. I couldn’t believe what I reading when I came across messages between him and other women spanning throughout our whole relationship. Literally from day one. I didn’t even recognize the man behind the words that I was reading. Who was he? He wasn’t the man I was about to Marry in three months.
As I was reading these messages I instantly had the urge to run. A voice was telling me to get my stuff and leave. At that moment I stood up & took my ring off & left my heart with it. I instantly Picked up the phone and called him. He answered and I started reading the messages out loud. I was shaking and the tears were flowing down my face. There was silence on his end. He didn’t know what to say. I think he never thought I would find out. He said he was sorry, and that he wanted to do whatever he could do to save “our relationship” I think he was referring to the made up fake relationship we had going on for years. Yeah we might have had what seemed like as a perfect relationship but he was never fully in it. He was never the real him. He had two lives which canceled out everything we had ever built together.
We started counseling and I decided to go through with the wedding. He was remorseful, so it seemed. The wedding was also a destination wedding, we couldn’t get a refund. Our families were beyond ecstatic we were getting married and starting our life together. They all had their plane tickets and rooms booked. I couldn’t get myself to tell them. I felt like I was letting every down. I was embarrassed. I was in shock.
When I said yes to marrying him that was my vow and commitment to him even before our actual vows. I vowed to love him and give our relationship my best. I vowed to not give up. Him asking me to marry him sadly did not mean the same for him. I remember in one of the messages I found between him and one of his “so called good friends” he had tried to get her to fly out to go stay with him in Vegas while he was working out of town. She told him that she didn’t think I would be to fond of that and declined. He told her that he really wanted to see her one last time because after he was married things would be different. But Would they really?
I know I was legally married once but I don’t count it. I get to decide that :). When you are changing all your wedding songs to songs that make you happy just so you can hopefully be able to cover up the sadness that was pouring out of your heart on “your big day” that isn’t a real wedding. When you have to fake your smile and happiness just to get through that big day, that isn’t a real wedding.
I have had people ask me why I even went through with the wedding. All I can say is at the time that is a decision I chose to make. My life was being ripped apart and there stood a man in front of me that wanted to do whatever he needed to do to fix it. I thought maybe we can get through this. I tried to have a little hope. So I went through with the wedding. The day was long and didn’t turn out like I had hoped. The man that wanted to fix everything spent the day getting drunk and passed out when we got back to our room. I hung out with our friends that night. My friend even slept in our room with us. We went on our honeymoon and of course we had a blast. We always had fun together, but fun wasn’t strong enough to keep us together. You need trust to keep a relationship strong. Trust should be the easiest thing to share with someone but for some people it’s just not attainable.
We returned home from our honeymoon and life picked up right where we left it, broken. The insecurities came flooding in. We went to counseling and I remember him telling the counselor he didn’t know why he cheated on me so much. He said he could do it, then bury it deep down and forget it ever happened without any remorse. In that moment I knew I needed to leave for good. he lacked empathy. He would sit in those sessions and never open up as his true self, he was still playing the fun, loving guy card.
Choosing to walk away from everything was one of the hardest things I have been through. I was starting over, I was leaving behind the life I had always wanted. I had fear that I would be alone forever and never have the things I have always wanted. But in reality the life I was currently living was already the life I never wanted. I didn’t want that to be my story. I needed to change my story and let that part of my life be left in the past. I deserved more and I was determined to get it. I am proud of myself for leaving. I could have stayed, started a family, and probably had some good moments and days. But it would have been fake, those terrible memories would always be there. The man I had once loved would never change. The cycle would have been repeated and I would rather be by myself than live a life with all those sad memories and fears. I chose to be strong and fight for what I deserved and wanted. I was determined to find someone who felt like home. I wouldn’t settle till I found it.
I was strong enough to walk away and so are you!
To be Continued…..
Have you ever been through a similar situation?
What’s your story?